Beginnings, Endings and Tortillas.

Beginnings and Endings.
This week my girls and I had the following conversation:

4 year old (who will turn five in January): Mom, it's October, my birthday is soon!
Me: Well, it's closer to your birthday, yes.
4 year old: Why is it closer?
Me: Because it's Fall and your birthday is in Winter and Winter comes after Fall.
6 year old: It's sad that girl is going to pack up her things again.
Me: (totally confused) What girl?
6 year old: The one we read about it the goddess book (a book on greek gods and goddesses we haven't read in maybe 2 months.)
Me: You mean Persephone?
6 Year old: Yeah, it's sad she has to go away again.
Me: Yeah, it kind of is.

And there I was contemplating death at the end of a conversation about a birth-day.

Day of the Dead.
I've been bumping up against this for awhile now, the Universe reminding me of death. This unrelenting return to that which ends. It is unavoidable, really. Particularly as Autumn falls and the light dies taking the living things with it, either back into the ground, or south or just away. Halloween and it's glorification of the fearful dead. Día de los Muertos, (Day of the dead) with it's celebration in honor of the ancestors. The holy-days remind us, if nothing else, that things perish. Most years I pass through this thinning of the veil without much suffering, but this year I'm feeling the pain of loss much deeper.

Recently I had a flood of memories of my father, who passed in 1997. Shortly after this started, a friend of 22 years texted me. I hadn't heard from him in ages and he texted just to let me know he was thinking of my dad. More than one message arrived over a few days, the most poignant related how his 14 year old daughter (the same age I was when I met him), taught her friend a trick to get ketchup out of a bottle. I taught her years ago, My father - who owned and ran a small town cafe when he died -  taught me.

I remember to this day how my father's hands looked as he held the bottle, how amazed I was at how simply he solved this problem, Even at 14 I  saw my father as magical. Now, more than 20 years later this seemingly mundane tip has kept my dad alive through two generations. Magical indeed.


Legacies aren't always so kind.
My mother and I spoke on the phone the other day. I told her about how I  have been having dates with my big kids once a week. It's something I began recently to reconnect with my girls. Since the birth of their twin brothers my time with them is so limited, and honestly I miss them deeply. The solution: Two hours, once a week, away from the house one on one, one at a time.

When I told my mom about these "dates" she let me know she sees how hard it must be to raise so many children. She told me how happy she was that I was doing this, that she was proud I take the time because as one of four kids herself she often prayed for her mother to be that present and she never was. It affected her deeply. My challenges also help her see her mother in a new way. My grandmother, who had four children by the time she was 24, was emotionally unavailable through her children's lives, now my mom understands a little better why that might have been, kids are hard work and sometimes the mind just has to shut off to survive in less than optimal situations.

Despite the pain of her childhood, or perhaps because of it, my mother, who raised me alone as a teen parent, devoted a lot of time to me when I was young. I learned from all those cold, wet camping trips in the Olympic mountains and too-short drives to the Pacific ocean, how to be a better mother, though I didn't know it at the time. Through all those journeys with my mother I learned to be there for my children. I still struggle with not being as present with my children as I'd like, but now I have tools my grandmother, and even my mom didn't have and I'm finding a way to be there for my children, despite being split four ways and often on my own.


"When you Know better, you do better."*
Like Demeter mourning the loss of Persephone I mourn the missed moments, and the dark times that take my full attention from these amazing people I parent. However, speaking with my mother reminded me that "When we know better, we do better" and I've made that my only real goal as a parent. To know, and do, better. My greatest hope is that my children will learn from my mistakes as well as my successes and that the the simple and sometimes magical lessons I teach them through being there will help them do better too. 

 

And you wondered when these would show up....

And now for the Tortillas!

This week I was seriously stoked when the Tortilla press I've been wanting to buy came in the mail. My dear "auntie" sent me a gift card a few months back and I used to buy a the press. I brought it out and got the girls involved and even roped the man into trying it out. The result was some fabulous tortillas and some awesome fun in the kitchen with my family.

Best. Investment. Ever. (Thank you auntie Storm!)

The girls (especially the littlest) were so excited to help, we even marked their tortillas with their initials, like so may patty-cake-pies. We all pitched in and and had a delicious home made meal for less time and money than we would have spent going out or buying pre-made from the store.

Mark it with a "T"

Bonus: I know every ingredient that went into my food (very important when you have a gluten intolerance and several food alleges). Best part? The love that went into them flavored every delicious bite.







How to make a Delicious Tortilla (Adapted from this recipe)

Tools you'll need:
*A tortilla press
*Wax paper or a ziplock bag cut to fit on the press (you'll need 2 pieces to put the dough ball between to keep it from sticking to the press.)
*A bowl and your hands *or* a stand mixer with the dough hook attachment.
*A skillet or griddle (Cast Iron is best but whatever you've got will work)

*About 35-45 minutes (most of the time is frying them up, prep time takes about 10 minutes.)


Ingredients:

2 tsp Baking powder
3 1/2 cups Corn Masa (not corn flour, it has to be masa as it's specially treated with lime and makes all the difference)
1/2 c Flour of your choice (I used Bob's Red Mill gluten free all purpose)
Shortening (I used Spectrum non-hydrogenated shortening)
2 1/4 c WARM Water

Safflower, coconut or other high heat oil for frying. (the safflower was good but the coconut oil, oh DAYUM, so tasty. It made the tortillas a bit flakier and more melt-in your mouth-ier….so such yum!)

Directions: 
Heat oil in griddle or skillet on medium to medium-low heat.

Mix masa harina and water. Add shortening, salt, flour and baking powder, kneading until blended and masa forms a ball, cleaning sides of bowl.

Wet hands, shape into 2” balls. Cover to prevent drying.

(Ok, just a FYI - here's where I messed up. Or thought I did, I mixed it differently but ended up with excellent Tortillas. This recipe is forgiving! I actually ended up adding all the ingredients except the water in my stand mixer and mixing like pie crust, until it was all crumbly and then adding water. I didn't need to moisten my hands or cover the dough either and it came out awesome.)

Put a ball on the tortilla press, slightly off center (towards the hinge) between the pieces of plastic(or wax paper) Hold it in place as you push top of press down. The point is to get it to kind of line up with the big circle on the top of the press. Once it's beginning to flatten press all the way down, latch the handle and give it a good firm squeeze till it stops naturally. Too much pressure will get you thin, easily torn tortillas. not enough and they'll be kinda thick. Flatten into about 1/8” thick patty (or however thick you want it, just make sure they are all about the same, forming a 5”-6” circle. Place tortilla on hot griddle. Cook until top looks done, turn and brown other side (about 5-7 minutes total, but check on the first few to figure out what works for you as every skillet/stove heat a little differently.)



Serves 12-20 depending on how thick you make them. We had ours with refried beans, steamed broccoli, olives, fresh cilantro, shredded cheese, and roasted corn with salsa (I just set all the toppings in bowls and let everyone choose) the next day we used leftovers and made Quesadillas!

* Quote by Maya Angelou

Rest in Peace Papa. We love you.